Friday, January 23, 2009

No Censorship Here...

Danger, danger Will Robinson! This is going to be a colorful post, and I’m not talking Technicolor. This post contains foul language and I’m sorry if it is offensive to anyone. Leave now or forever hold your peace.

What topic could I possibly have to write about that I feel the need for this particular vernacular you may be wondering? How about bad drivers? Yeah, now I’m guessing you’re on the same page as me. And if you’re not, I bow down to you because you must be a saint.

On my way home from work today I had to stop at a store that is located in one of those strip malls; lots of small shops, a few restaurants and limited parking. Today, however, there were plenty of open parking spaces. As I was turning into said area there was a car in front of me that was moving at a snail’s pace, perhaps slower. This car was going so slow it was almost going backwards.

Anyhoo she, the driver of the car in front of me, turned in leaving enough room for me to follow her before she practically stopped, leaving two vehicles trailing behind me that were left on the street. I waited patiently…….for about 30 seconds, then I hit my horn with two sharp, quick BEEP BEEPS. “Pick a spot Asswipe! Look there’s one there, and there, and there. Make a decision and execute it!” all the while my arms are flaying in the air.

As she slooooowly pulled into a spot I zipped around her and parked. Now it just so happened that she went into the same store that I did and the whole time we were there she made a point of glaring at me. “What-the-fuck-ever, chick. Go ahead and say something to me. I dare you. No, I double dog dare you; then wait and see what my response will be.” Seriously, do some people not realize that when you’re driving you are supposed to pay the fuck attention? And your full attention. There are people out there that drive like shit and have never been in an accident, but have never looked in the rearview mirror to see how many they’ve caused.

So turning the corner into my subdivision I decided I needed to rant post about my aggravation. I then wondered what other people find themselves saying when they get aggravated with other drivers, so I did a quick survey. Here are a few:

Fuckin’ Asshole
WTF is wrong with you?
You drive like a fuckin’ pro, dude
Mother Shitter
Dick Wad (Okay, that’s me)
Fuck Nut
Learn to drive asshole
Hey Dumbass, move it
Douche Bag
Good job, Dick head!
Smooth move, Ex-lax (again me)
Cock Sucker
Where the fuck did you learn to drive?!?
Move over asshole
This dick musta got his license in a cracker jack box.
Move over…better yet, catch a ride on the short bus (yet, again, me)
Get off the fuckin road!
Heinz Ketchup…It’s worth the wait…but you’re not
Rules of the Road…Learn them; apply them

So, what I want is for you to comment with what you’ve blurted out. What are your favorites? And please, don’t be shy…and don’t censor.


Kim's Korner said...

I'll play! Shitty drivers are one of my biggest pet peeves :-)

Get off my ass Buddy!
Green means GO Asshole!
Nice signal Buddy!
Drive that thing Buddy!
Get the fuck over Asshole!

I have to use Buddy instead of Asshole most times cause I have the boys in the car with me, but it's ALWAYS 'Asshole' 'Asswipe' or 'D-oh Hole' when I'm alone ;-)

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Fuckin' loser.

Hallie :)

Heather said...

I just say Moooother Fuuuucker, all drawn-out like. Then I try to get my daughter to flip them the bird. She's 15, I know she's lying if she says she wouldn't do it in front of her friends, but she won't do it to help me out. =P

Anonymous said...

I'm not too bad. It's usually just "Move! Move! Move!" Occasionally I'll throw an "asshole!" in the mix.

Crystal said...

Like Heather, I usually draw out the mother fucker as well. Also:
Fucking idiot!
Get outta the way, you slow ass retard.
Learn to use a fucking turn signal fucktard.
I've also used several from your list as well.
I love to yell obscenities at people when I'm in my car, although I'm way too chickenshit to do it to their faces.

Badass Geek said...

You've already mentioned most of the ones that I use, but I sometimes throw in a conjunction like "cuntfucker" or "sac-face".

If they really get me steamed, I'll lay on the horn and give them a double shot "fuck you" with a pair of middle fingers.

Anonymous said...

Hey sweetie I seen Crystals post which is more like you...chicken can say what you want in your blog but i know you too well your just to
sweet love you,barb MIL

Unknown said...

Now I'll have to say that since moving to Vermont I don't have to blurt things out as much. It's not because people here drive beter. when you live out in the country you don't see so many other drivers.
That said, I did learn to drive in Massachusetts and spent 38 years of my life there.
I think "What the fuck?" is probably my most common for me. Though I'd pepper a "Jesus Fucking Christ" in there, too.
I've also been known to just put my hands up in exasperation if they are facing me. With a kind of "your move, buddy" way.

Anonymous said...

I cant STAND inconsiderate drivers. Its like the dont even realize OTHER PEOPLE are on the same road. I can totally relate to your anger!

Skeeter said...


That's an impressive list. I am partial to the ones that end with the word "Buddy" though. Not exactly sure why, it's just cool.

Best wishes,


Kat said...

I am colorful when it comes to my driving and "It's the peddle on the right, jackass" and "Dude, you aren't my husband, get off my ass!" might have come flying out of my mouth...once or twice.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I generally keep my mouth shut because 9 times out of 10, the kids are in the car. But, I do flip off the offending driver on the sly. With my hand under the dash. Where no one can see. And I clench my teeth a lot.

Lola said...

HAAAAA! It must be a Massachusetts thing, cuz I'm with Moon on the "Jesus Fucking Christ" and the expressive hands thrown in the air challenging them to a duel; although, "What, are you fucking retarded" comes out a lot, too.

When I get behind an old man wearing a hat with the obligatory tennis ball on his antenna, it's, "OH, fucking great, just great!"

This was fun!

Anonymous said...

When I get stuck behind someone slow I say "Get the fuck outta my way before I run your ass over."

Or I say "Slow your roll, dumbass." when someone goes to cut me off or makes an insanely wide turn.