Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Oral Essay Assignment on the Subject of Pet Peeves...

The following is an essay written by my sister in 1997. She was nice enough to let me share it with you.

ORAL ESSAY ASSIGNMENT ON THE SUBJECT OF PET PEEVES
© 1997 Cathy Konas

Disclaimer: I wish to apologize in advance for any inferred offense, as certainly none is implied.

Our assignment was to write an essay about a pet peeve, one for which we feel great passion.

My pet peeve has been singularly responsible for an excess of passionate vexation. So as not to keep you squirming in suspense, I will identify my pet peeve—in a word, men.

Realizing that the word “men” is perhaps an overly broad representation of multitudinous pet peeves attributable to the male of the species, my focus for tonight’s monologue will be a specific manifestation of caveman mentality: namely, toilet seats left in the upright position. [N.B. Flushing, a related pet peeve, regrettably is beyond the scope of this essay.]

As a nightly ritual, the unexpected plunge of one’s gluteus maximus into a bowl of frigid water does not promote connubial bliss nor propagation of the species. In fact, it is my opinion that this long-lived lack of lavatory etiquette caused the extinction of our ancestral species, Homo erectus. I doubt it is mere coincidence that erectus is the Latin word for upright.

I dare not imagine what those unfortunate cavewomen fell into when they heeded nature’s midnight call to the prehistoric outhouse perched atop the tar pits. Likely, they were too busy climbing out of the abyss to give a moment’s thought as to whether the toilet paper was hanging "over or under," a related and relatively innocuous, yet most annoying, pet peeve.

Based on my interpretation of evolutionary data, modern day man appears to be genetically predisposed to a state of domestic oblivion. Will an upright toilet seat be the downfall of civilization? Will we be subjected to late-night public service announcements asking if we know whether our toilet seats are in the upright position? I hope not, as a new weapon in this perpetual battle of the sexes is now available for purchase.

Damark, "The Great Deal Company!", is doing its part to eliminate this apparently universal problem. In its latest catalog, Damark is selling the His ’N Her Bathroom Night-Light. As advertised, this "motion- activated night-light comes with an infrared sensor that automatically turns on a guiding light when you get within 6 feet" of the commode. "If the seat is up, a red bullseye [sic] appears in the toilet bowl for him" (which directly addresses another pet peeve). "If the seat is down, a green light gives her the okay.

Then it turns off after you’ve left." This special night-light runs on two AA batteries and is mounted on the underside of the lid with special double-sided tape. [N.B. A discussion of the merits of leaving the lid up or down also is beyond the scope of this essay. Just for the record, if not screamingly obvious, I recommend the "lid down" position, especially if you have blue toilet water and a thirsty pet!]

The His ’N Her Bathroom Night-Light sells for $34.99, which is a small price to pay for domestic tranquility and preservation of the species. You and your significant "pet peeve" now can live in "commodious" harmony. Retire your wetsuit! Get a light!

Good night!

11 comments:

LceeL said...

It all stems from a primary physiological difference that men don't normally think about - unless, of course, they happen to be really horny at the time, and then the primary physiological difference is of primary physiological importance and that's ALL he's thinking about. Anyway ... Women sit down to go potty, nearly all the time. Men don't, most of the time. (When we DO sit, it requires a newspaper or magazine to be present, for company.) AND!! A man's sit down potty adventures seldom take place in the middle of the night, so we're not aware of the state of the seat during the night. When we DO sit down it's daytime and it's light enough to detect the state of the seat. So, the answer for women is simple. Don't go pee in the middle of the night. See?

CK said...

Looks like a new category is needed—TMI! Thanks for taking the time to read my essay. The class found it amusing.

-ck

Badass Geek said...

I always put the seat down. I got grounded too many times for intentionally leaving it up, to make my sisters fall into the toilet while still half-asleep.

It was totally worth getting in trouble for, but I'm too scared to do that to my wife. I'm afraid I'd lose too many things, including things that are attached to me.

Megan said...

haha Love it. If I could give kudos, I would :)

Fraughter said...

My hubby used to leave the seat up all the time. One night when I was 8-9 months pregnant, I went to the bathroom half asleep, I would leave the light off so I wouldnt wake up too much. Well then it happened........I fell into the cold toilet bowl and was stuck!!!! Because of my gigantic stomach I couldnt get up!! I had to yell and wake him up to help me.


He hasnt left the seat up since:)

meleah rebeccah said...

Ha ha ha! Loved. Very Funny and AMEN!

Richard Whackman said...

Yeah, the wife won that battle. It's nice when she goes out of town, though.

Here's a little secret - when we're too lazy to lift the thing up we might just try practicing our aim.

cuz'n carol said...

My husband rarely leaves the seat up, but seeing as how I'm surrounded by testosterone everywhere in this house, the seat is ALWAYS up, thanks to one of the other testosterone-laden teenagers around here. I need this light.

YFA said...

Caught up with your blogging...Great reading.
Your Gramma Gramma was exceptional. I remember the house and the warmth inside. Wish I had known her when we lived down the block...
I met a lady who had her husband sit when he emptied his bladder. My guy just glared when I made the suggestion.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Luckily, Ty-man already came potty trained. In fact, we not only keep the seat down, but the lid as well. Ish, to have all that stuff flung around the room when you flush if the lid is up. This is why toothbrushes are covered in fecal matter. Blech!

Funny, hon!

Selma said...

Toilet seat wars. One of the great age-old battles. Both of my boys are guilty of leaving it up. I don't mind that too much but I do mind the little trails that are occasionally left around the rim. Eeeewww. I dream of the day where I have my own bathroom. Maybe in my next life....