Tuesday, August 5, 2008

An Open Letter to My Body

Dear Body:

You and I have been together for over 46 years. The majority of the time we’ve gotten along nicely, but lately I am beginning to wonder what the hell you are you up to.

I admit there have been times when I’ve pushed the envelope, so to say, consuming a beer or four more than you could handle. You got even though, with an achy head, upset stomach and the occasional unremembered bruise.

There were also the occasions when I couldn’t shut down and relax so I kept you up all night; tossing and turning until right before the alarm went off. You were understanding, getting up and going on with a new day, even though you wanted to sleep.

And though I no longer do it, there have been times when I’ve stayed out in the sun too long causing you burns, and blisters and peeling skin.
I know there are more examples of my disregard, but let’s take a look at some of your flaws.

When you get all bloated each month I’m conscious of your discomfort and wear baggy clothes, even if they aren’t the most flattering.

As you grow hair darker than what it should be, I fix it. And let’s not forget the times you’ve been all on my face screaming, “Look at me!” sprouting pimples for all to see, and I’ve quietly ‘covered up’ your lack of discretion.

And your big faux pas; letting our breasts down, and I do mean down. Who made the appointment and got them fixed? Yeah, that would be me.
Now I’m not keeping score but I do believe we’re pretty even. We’ve matured enough to stop this nonsense.

So I now have to ask, “What have I done lately to get you all hot and bothered?” Basically, what is up with these hot flashes? You don’t even give me fair warning when to expect them. Can you not feel the HEAT? Are you begging me for a tropical vacation, is that it?

What if I book a tropical vacation and promise to use sunscreen, not drink too many pina coladas and let you relax? Will you cease then? Because if you will, I am so calling William Shatner to book the hotel.


Whitney said...


Too Funny.

Mental P Mama said...

Our bodies must be in cahoots.

Megan said...

Oh my lands. Tooooo funny. && I think you should schedule some relaxation time at a nice hotel!..that ALWAYS does a body good :)

Michael C said...

Yeah, your body would be stupid to turn that deal down!

Call the Shat now!!

María said...


Pleasant Living said...

What a cute post!

Michele said...

You are tooo funny...Let me know if this works, because then I'll be sending off a letter to mine because I am sick of these hot flashes..lol


Unknown said...

And don't forget to buy stock in the companies that make personal lubricants.

I'm just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

The flesh fails us all eventually. Overall, I'd say this post reminds me of conversations I regularly have not with my body, but with my own mind. "Why are you bringing me down like this?", I'll ask. "What will it take for you adopt a more positive outlook on life?" "Look, adjust you attitude right now or I'm going to kick your ass." "Yeah that's right, it'll hurt me too."

Princess Abigail said...

Maybe you're body is trying to tell you that you are too hot for your own good? "Goodness gracious great balls of fire" and all that ... I'm nearly there too, so any excuse will do!!!
Lovely read
the Mama of the Bernard Bunch

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Dude, could you also ask your body to ask my body why I can't have fun, kicky Farrah-hair?

Anonymous said...

This was an excellent and hysterical post. hahahhahaaha

Um. so this is what I have to look forward to?

Im having issues at 34.

Now Im scared!!

Anonymous said...

I think your body heard you...I'd give Will a call...

Badass Geek said...

How much postage is required to send a letter to oneself?

Anonymous said...

OMG, you haven't been talking to my body have you? Who would've thought gravity would take hold so quickly after 40? In unmentionable places? Brilliant post. You crack me up!