Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Naughty, Not Nice...

T’was a night on the weekend
The drinks they did pour
My husband was clueless
Of what was in store

I snuck to the bedroom
And put on something tiny
A Mrs. Claus number
Not quite covering my hiney

I touched up my makeup
Then came down the stairs
I gave him a kiss
Before nibbling his ears

I pushed him down
And started to giggle
As he grabbed my breasts
And made them jiggle

We were all alone
And what was the chance
That my son would walk in
On my little lap dance

His eyes how they widened
This scene was quite wrong
The sight of his mother
In a Santa hat and a thong

An awkward moment
Embarrassing to no end
But what made it worse
He had brought a friend

They backed out the door
Not daring to hover
Of this experience
They may never recover

After reading this story
Please take my advice
Make sure you lock your doors
When you’re naughty, not nice


True. Story.

20 comments:

Megan said...

Oh my gosh, that is so funny. And what a talented poet you are! How old was your son when this happened? I would DIE if I ever saw my parents..

Selma said...

ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. OMG - I would have been cringing with embarrassment. You wrote this so well. I am chuckling away merrily!

Badass Geek said...

One thing I've learned,
Which you know now to be true,
When getting amorous at home
There are things you must do.

First lock all the doors
And draw the curtains shut, tight.
Turn all the lamps off;
Use candles for light.

At long last you can begin
To get things under way.
If your walls are thin, be careful
Of the dirty words you say.

Don't ignore these steps,
Pay attention you should.
Otherwise family'll walk in,
Hands on breasts, hands on wood.

Heather said...

Hey, I've seen that picture of you in the apron, so even though your son was probably gagging, his friend was probably dreaming about you and telling all his other friends about it. And when he grows up he's probably going to have this santa lingerie fetish, you know the way some guys do about the Princess Leia bikini?
Yeah, you probably didn't need to know all that, huh?

Employee No. 3699 said...

@ Megan
He's 29 now and this happened about 5 years ago.

@ Selma
My face was as red as my Mrs. Santa hat.

@ Badass
We’ll be more careful
In this regard
Since my son and his friend
Are now permanently scarred

@ Heather
My son’s friend has since asked, “So, how’s Mrs. Claus? Uh, I mean your mom.”

Megan said...

OH that is even funnier.

Michael C said...

I can't make eye contact right now. I'll come back later...

:)

Brilliantly written!!

Marty said...

HILARIOUS!!!! Great rhyme too...

countrygirl3031 said...

I absolutely love it...I am laughing my a** off. I copied and forwarded it to Glenn if that's ok. We don't have a lock on our door...note to self..install one!

Hugz,
Michele

Lizzz said...

OH my word. Wow... what an eloquent way to tell your story!! I admire your ability to bring humor and enjoyment to such a horrifying experience! :)

Richard Whackman said...

At least you don't let the lack of privacy thing kill off your sex life. Locks on doors are the new condoms for people in our situation. After years of being worried about getting caught, I think I'm finally getting over the fear of embarrassment factor. Just imagine how things are in all those third world countries where everyone shares the same room. Their birthrates are pretty good so you've got to assume they're all doing it anyway.

Momisodes said...

Oh. Mah. Gawd.

I would have passed out. Which probably would have made things worse. Oh man. I'm setting the alarm and locking doors at all times from now on. And perhaps a jingling necklace or bracelet for my daughter is in order as well.

Employee No. 3699 said...

@ Michael C
That was pretty much my son’s reaction.

@ Marty
It’s funny now.

@ Countrygirl3031
If you don’t install the lock, maybe a pile of cans next to the door so the noise will alert you!

@ Lizzz
You can only laugh when something like that happens.

@ Richard Whackman
I can’t imagine that scenario. I have to shoo the dogs out of the room.

Lola said...

HA! Great poem and great advice. Thanks for the laugh.

Glamorous Life of a House Wife said...

Poor, Poor kid. I bet he's scarred for LIFE!

LceeL said...

#2 Son recently told be of things he accidentally observed through a not quite closed enough bedroom door.

It's my guess that up to that point in time he thought he was the product of an immaculate conception.

Foolish boy, now also permanently scarred.

meleah rebeccah said...

I had no idea you were such a talented and FUNNY poet!!

Lisa said...

Oh too stinkin' funny. Should do it on Utube, might get famous off of it!!! However, you might already be more famaous than you really want to be!!! The talk might already be all around town!

Moonspun said...

That is totally priceless! Badass gets points for his poetry response, too!

Mrs. S. said...

I think the fact that he was older makes this even funnier since he has an idea of what is going on...oh goodness. I would have DIED!!