Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Some houses have ghosts...mine left a post

We moved into our house seven years ago, well it’s officially seven years on January 25th. Anyhoo, we have since had periodic reminders of the past owners. No, that’s not accurate. We have had reminders of the man that lived here, not his wife (or should I say ex-wife as they were going through a divorce when we bought their house).

These reminders are not from the pride he took in his home and the shape he left it in. They are also not from fond memories his old neighbors, our current neighbors, have of him. These reminders come from his secret mementos and keepsakes, if you will, that keep popping up. Things he had hidden around the house that we have happened across.

At first we found it humorous. We would laugh and crack jokes. Now, with the recent find, we wonder if this had a play in his divorce. You’re now most likely wondering what the frick he’s left behind. Well let me tell you.

Our first encounter happened the day we moved in. Not only was the house not clean, there was stray crap left here and there. As we were bagging things up for the garbage man we came across several empty video boxes for porn movies. Okay, whatever. About a month later as my husband was wiring our stereo system he had to go through the drop ceiling in the basement and more than several nasty (and I’m not a prude) pornographic videos were found. Again, ha-ha, somewhat amusing. Several months later when we turned on the central air there was an annoying vibrating sound you could hear through the kitchen vent. It drove my husband crazy and he had to find out where the source of this noise was coming from. Upon inspection he found it was caused by a box that was stuffed just above the furnace…a box that contained a penis pump. Yes, you read that correctly. In addition to stashing his porn videos around the house, he also had hidden a penis pump.

It’s now been quite a few years since we’ve happened across anything and we had pretty much forgotten about it all, until now. As I posted yesterday we are redoing one of our bathrooms and thank goodness we have my husband’s best friend doing it as a side job, and not a stranger, because who knows what they would have thought when they came across this…

…oh wait, I can’t even post pictures of what was hidden inside the vanity. What was hidden so well that I never saw them in all the times I’ve wiped out that cabinet. Can you guess? Porn + Penis Pump = ‘What?’

How about four Polaroid photographs of this guy’s penis? Yeah, WTF?

I get the porn and hiding it from your wife. I guess I can understand a guy trying a penis pump, because, well yeah, I have breast implants. And I get taking erotic pictures of your significant other; but pictures of your own penis…with an erection… that you obviously took of yourself…that you have hidden…? I don’t get that.

Am I wrong? I don’t know. I do know that we still have another bathroom to redo along with several other major projects. What more can we possibly find?

10 comments:

Mrs. S. said...

Holy crap!! That is both hilarious and mildly disgusting! Haha!

Selma said...

Maybe it was the ghost of Austen Powers. Ha ha. I don't think I've ever seen a penis pump up close. Don't think I want to. UUGGHHH.

RiverPoet said...

HA! "his secret mementos and keepsakes, if you will, that keep popping up" - funny!

What a wacko....

D

Badass Geek said...

That is horrific. And hilarious.

Moonspun said...

what does a penis pump look like???
I don't get the polaroid either. As in why hide it? if you wanted to take a picture and show it off...well why not show it off?

meleah rebeccah said...

Now that is HYSTERICAL. Oh man I have missed your posts. Im so happy you are back to blogging!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

OMFG. That is just... twisted. I wish I had an answer for you but, alas, no. :)

Heather said...

I know the answer! He didn't want his wife to know he had the penis pump, hence he hid it. He was taking pictures to compare his penis, so he could see if the penis pump was actually making it bigger. And since he didn't want her to know he was penis pumping, he obviously couldn't let her find the pics.

It's a totally hilarious idea though. I'm going to start hiding crap around my house for the next owners to find.

LceeL said...

Maybe he left a spare butt plug around somewhere. And a blow up Shirley Schmidt doll in a closet. No. Wait. That was William Shatner or Denny Crane or whoever.

Kim's Korner said...

Too bad you didn't know how to contact him. I'd love to be a fly on your wall the day you called him and said "Yeah ... just wondering if you needed that pump back, oh, and your penis pics are now on Facebook".

LMAO!