Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I Should Have Gotten This For Free….

…and saved myself some embarrassment too.

About two months ago I had a Girls’ Slumber Party at my house. Whilst planning for it I thought it would be fun to play some games and give out goodie bags, as opposed to just having a bunch of women consuming alcohol.

Here’s a pic of one of the Goodie Bags:

The first thing I did, which was not really a game, was to have everyone write their name on a piece of paper along with a reason why they hated housework. Once they were done I had them switch with each other so no one had their own, then had everyone read them out loud. EXCEPT, I had them exchange the word ‘housework’ with ‘sex’…

Go ahead and try it; just about anything you come up with will work:

So-and-so hates housework sex because…

“It takes too long”
“It’s messy”
“It’s never ending”
“I get stuck doing it myself”

Then we did they ole ‘who can put the condom on the banana the fastest’. Fraughter won this one hands down…I mean she had it on before some of the gals even had theirs out of the package! Apparently having two young children around when you want to scratch that itch will make you pretty adept with condoms.

Then we played Hot Potato Spud Pud…with a vibrator! Now I didn’t own one so I had to buy one; thus the reason I should have just contacted Drew from Eden Fantasys. You see, he approached me at BlogHer last year and I didn’t follow through like one of my friends did. I could have gotten it sent to my house for FREE as long as I did a review on it and wouldn’t have had to suffer the embarrassment of shopping for one.

Anydildo, I went to my local sex shop and tried to act all nonchalant but didn’t quite pull it off. This little nymph working there took pity on me and…

Her: “Can I help you find anything?”
Me: “I’m looking for a vibrator, but I want it to look realistic.”
Her: “Let me show you what we have.”
Me: “Uh, it’s not for me. It’s for a Girls’ Party I’m having.”
Her: (Whatever, old lady) “Follow me.”

She pointed out various members on the wall along with their prices and I chose one. She proceeded to carry ‘it’ to the register.

When I got home I pulled it out of the bag to see what type of batteries I needed and hmm…nothing on the package. Upon further inspection I realized it was not a vibrator, but a mere dildo. Torn between wanting my game to be a success and exchanging it or settling for a non-vibrating ‘pud’; I chose to exchange it.

The next day I went back on my lunch break. Not quite the walk of shame, but as a forty ‘something’ year old woman it felt that way. I was told that I’d have to talk to the store manager and was led into the ‘back room’ where said manager was busy with a customer…

Customer: “What about this one?” (Referring to a DVD)
Manager: “It’s got a lot of anal. Not a lot of plot, but gets right to the point.”
Customer: “How ‘bout tits? Are there a lot of tits?”
Manager: “Yeah, lots of titties. I recommend it.”

After said customer made his purchase I approached the manager:

Me: “I’d like to, uhm, exchange this.”
Him: “I’m sorry, but in the state of Illinois it is illegal to return any of our merchandise.”
Me: “I understand and appreciate that law but this is not what I asked for.”

I told him how I had explained to the sales nymph that I wanted a vibrator for a ‘hot potato’ game for Girls’ Night and what she sold me didn’t vibrate. I also pointed out that the package hadn’t been opened. Luckily for me she was working in the back room and remembered me.

Now I had to find a replacement; and though the dildo I returned looked realistic, none of the vibrators on display did. So the manager went into the back room to find something to please me. The first one he pulled out looked realistic, was big and was a vibrator…but it had a wire attaching it to a remote control. “No”, I tell him. I need it to play ‘hot pud potato’ and the wire will get in the way. The next one was big and a vibrator, but was purple. Realizing not only that I had five minutes to get back to work but also that he was spending all this time on someone who was probably not a repeat customer, I decided to take it.

The game was a success, but let me tell you if you plan on playing it you need to make a playlist for your music. Here are my recommendations:

“The Stroke” Billy Squire
“Can’t Get Enough of Your Love” Barry White
“My Kind of Lover” Billy Squire
“Push It” Salt-N-Peppa
“You’re My Best Friend” Queen
“I Feel Good” James Brown

In case you’re wondering, Fraughter won this game too. When I told her the prize for winning was keeping the vibrator she decided to forfeit it and donate it to the cause…the cause being me since Paul is in India.

I have since named him Barney. He’s big, he’s purple and we have our own song:

“I love him.
He loves me.
We just need a battery.”

Now you may be wondering if he is on my nightstand or hidden at the back of my underwear drawer. You’ll never know because I didn’t get him for free and I don’t have to do a review on him.


Badass Geek said...

Can you imagine actually having cobwebs... down there?

Sheila said...

I've heard this story before but I'm laughing so hard.

I can just see your face turning bright red.

You're such a prude.


Crystal said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a month! I was honestly laughing out loud.

Unknown said...

There are so many things about this post that are funny, I don't know where to start. The best part is that it is all real and happened to you!

Aunt Juicebox said...

ROFL I just mentioned to someone else how I accidentally ended up in an adult store. I only bought penis candy, but the girl working there showed us this enormous dildo. It was a good 2 1/2 ft long or so, but so big around, I would have had trouble putting my two hands around it. And it was also purple. And heavy. She recommended buying lots of lube.

Unknown said...

Oh my gosh. You are so funny with the Barney song : ) LOVE it! Laughed my head off.

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